When Inner Children Take the Wheel in Couples Therapy

Introduction

Hey everyone, it's Ashley here. Today, I'm diving into a topic that's close to my heart and crucial in my practice — the Inner Child. Ever notice how, during a heated argument with your partner, you suddenly feel five years old? Or maybe thirteen, complete with stomping feet and eye-rolling? That's your inner child, jumping into the driver's seat and taking the wheel.

What is the Inner Child?

In the Transactional Analysis (TA) framework, which guides my practice, we talk a lot about "ego states." The Child ego state is one of these, and it's a reservoir of feelings, thoughts, and behaviours we learned in our early years. Yep, that's right, we're all basically carrying around a mini-me who can be as cranky as a toddler missing their afternoon nap.

Why the Inner Child Takes the Driver's Seat During Conflict

So, you're in the middle of a heated argument with your partner. Voices are raised, and maybe a door gets slammed. Guess who's at the forefront? Your inner child. And why? Because that little one inside you is terrified — scared of rejection, scared of losing love, and scared of being left alone. It's a throwback to the fears we had as kids, fears that are now dressed up in adult clothing but are just as potent.

Understanding Each Other's Inner Child

Here's where it gets super interesting. Imagine two inner children having a playdate, but instead of sharing toys, they're squabbling over adult issues like bills or who last took out the trash. Sounds absurd, right? But that's essentially what's happening in a couple's conflict.

Getting to know and understand your partner's inner child is like gaining VIP access to their emotional world. When you realize that the person across from you—your partner—is also driven by their vulnerable inner child during conflict, it's a game-changer. You start to see them not just as the adult who forgot to take out the garbage but as a little human who needs love, just like you do.

Adding Empathy to the Mix

Empathy and humor are your best allies here. The next time a conflict starts brewing, how about pausing for a moment to acknowledge that both your inner kiddos might be in freak-out mode? You could even lighten the mood with a playful, "Looks like our inner kids are having a playdate, huh?" Humor and empathy disarm tension, and you'll be surprised how much easier it becomes to address the real issues once those little tykes have calmed down.

Wrapping It Up

So there you have it, folks! The next time you find yourselves embroiled in a lovers' spat, take a deep breath and imagine your inner child and your partner's inner child, probably holding their respective teddy bears, sitting on the therapist's couch. And remember, we're all just grown-up kids trying to navigate this rollercoaster of life and love.

Until next time, keep those inner kids in your awareness and give them a hug from me!

-Ashley

xx